my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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