Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
