look no pants
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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