I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
