woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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