we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
