Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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