I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
