Where are you?
In a non slutty way
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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