His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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