My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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