I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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