All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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