I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
