Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
