nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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