why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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