Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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