I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
