i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
