watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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