You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
