I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
