3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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