Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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