when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
