We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
