No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
