Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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