oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
