got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Randomize
