I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He told me they were just razor bumps!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
