I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
