i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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