I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
