yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
