If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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