he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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