party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
