i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I need to calm my uterus...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
