Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
