Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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