i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
