I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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