Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Btw I puked in your glovebox
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
