I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You're a waste of cheezeits
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
