dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
