I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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