My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
