The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
