I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
