Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
