I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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