How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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